In 2012, I found out I was pregnant. Having been married for four years, we were extremely ready to start our family. I scoured over books that told me exactly what was happening in my body each week. I couldn’t contain my excitement! I set-up my doctor appointment the moment I found out, and kept counting down the days to when I would be able to see my little one on ultrasound.
At 9-weeks pregnant, just a little bit before Mother’s Day, I anxiously sat in my doctor’s office. I was so excited for what today’s appointment would bring us! My doctor brought in the small room ultrasound machine, and couldn’t see a heartbeat. She said the machines were awful, so I needed to go downstairs to the big ultrasound machines. At this point, I was a little worried, but took her word that I just needed to go downstairs to get a better look.
They immediately took us back, and started the ultrasound. No heartbeat. I had miscarried. I was devastated.
A few weeks later, it was Mother’s Day. A day I decided I would be fine for, and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. My husband and I met his sister’s family at his mom’s house for dinner. Everyone exchanged flowers and gifts to each other, except to me. No one had remembered that I was almost a mom. No one seemed to care. Because why would they? I wasn’t a mother. I didn’t have any children. And the one child who was going to make me a mother, didn’t exist anymore.
I was “fine” the entire time; well, to anybody who would have looked at me. Then, my husband and I got in the car to go home and I just started bawling. Not even he had remembered what I was going through or that this day would be so hard. He asked me what was wrong. I responded, ” I’m not a mom.” And he felt so badly. He said he should have done something, and he didn’t realize how hard it would be for me. And I was crushed. Absolutely 100% crushed. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming, and I just so badly wanted to curl up, fall asleep, and stay asleep until all the pain was gone. Five years and three kids later, and I still cry when I tell this story. I can still feel exactly how I felt that day.
Mother’s Day is complicated. I’m sure there are women upon women who are suffering just like I had been. Maybe their infertility journey has lasted months, maybe years, but they are hoping to be a mother just like I was. Maybe they are now older, and were never able to have their own kids, and are still silent sufferers. Maybe they do have their own children, but this day reminds them of the baby they lost, the baby they had to bury, the baby they never got to meet. And all I can really say about that is… you don’t know how people are feeling on this day. So I say, celebrate them all! Make them all feel loved. Bring flowers, or a small gift, for all those women you’re going to have dinner with! Maybe, just maybe, you’ll make someone feel lifted up on this day that may be so sad for them otherwise.
And to you women who are suffering, I am sorry you have to go through this. And on this day in particular, try not to be sad! Remember that YOU have a mother who loves you very much. Celebrate her as hard as you can, to try and lessen your pain through the day. And if you need to end the day crying, do so. There is absolutely no shame in that.
And to you twin mamas, just remember how doubly blessed you are. Especially if you have never had to experience the loss of your baby. Squeeze those two little miracles extra tight today, and be so grateful that you have them and that they can call you their mother.
I know I say this all the time, but you are so, so, so, so lucky to have those two babes. And I’m sure that they just love you to pieces and are so happy you’re their mother.
Have a wonderful Mother’s Day tomorrow! Hug all your little miracles tight, tight, tight! And pray your husband brings you breakfast in bed, am I right? 🙂 And if you know someone who may be hurting out there, give her a little extra love today. Like I said, Mother’s Day is complicated.
*The “Two to Kiss, Two to Love” series is a helpful series for all you twin mamas out there! If you have a twin related question, comment below, and I’ll answer it for you!*