"When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful, I don't deserve this, Darling, you look perfect tonight."I was listening to the radio in my car a while ago as I was driving to pick up my little boy at preschool, and the words to this song (Perfect, Ed Sheeran) hit me so hard. As I thought back to the beautiful evening our daughter was born (like I do so often), the words of this song just seemed to fit so perfectly. I remember holding her in the beautiful, handmade, pink dress someone had donated to the hospital, and watching the sun set. Instead of remembering this as a sad time, I always think of these two precious hours as one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I, like anyone else who struggles with infertility or the loss of a baby, definitely have good days and bad days. Some days, I can sit down to write this column and be positive and hopeful. And other days, I just can't even describe the pain I'm feeling, the ache of wanting to hold a baby again. To hold my baby again. And sometimes, something (like this song) unexpectedly hits me so hard and makes me miss her so much I can barely breathe. I'm sure anyone who has ever lost someone they love has felt exactly the same way. I've definitely had my ups and downs throughout our infertility journey, but overall, I think I'm in a pretty good place, emotionally. Most of the time, people only see the sad side of losing a little one. They only see the loss. And while that loss can sometimes be overwhelming and all-encompassing, I try to focus instead on my daughter's life, especially in the moments where my sadness is threatening to overcome me. As I listened to the song on the radio and heard Ed Sheeran say, "I don't deserve this," I thought of my daughter's perfect life. Although her death was devastating (and always will be), her life was a beautiful blessing. Her life was perfect, and I want to remember it that way. So while it might be natural to say, "I don't deserve this," and think only of the loss, I'm trying so hard to think, "I don't deserve this," and think of the blessing her life was and is in my life.
"I have faith in what I see, Now I know I have met an angel in person, And she looks perfect, I don't deserve it, You look perfect tonight."
The "Over the Rainbow" series is for, and from, mothers who have lost their little ones or experienced infertility. We know this can be a very sensitive subject, and is sometimes hard to talk about. We hope we are able to help others through these tough experiences as we share our stories with you.