Two to Kiss, Two to Love: Feelings of Failure
Do you ever feel inadequate to raise twins? Were you freaked out finding out you were having them because you were scared of being able to handle them? I’m sure you’re doing great mama! But, sometimes, it’s hard to shake the feelings of inadequacy, especially when you feel like others around you aren't lifting you up.
My twins are two years old. They are really awesome kids, and usually, very well-behaved…until we go somewhere. I mean, at home, they are almost perfect angels. If they don’t listen, they go to time-out for a little bit, and that’s that. They play as much as they want outside, or in their playroom. When they get tired, they sit down and read, or take a nap. But out and about? My oldest wants something, then both my twins want it. Or, my oldest decides to run in circles, and ya know, act like a kid, and then the twins follow her. And the stuff they are doing is always stuff that a kid does. But, you can see the glares coming from all the people around you. Like... ALL around you. EVERYONE is always staring. Is it just me thinking that? Maybe.
No matter how hard I try, I always feel like I’m being judged for the way I do things. I see one of my kids throw a fit, and everybody’s eyes are rolling. Or my kid is sitting on a stool by herself, something she is more than capable of doing on her own, and I see people around me getting worried that she’s going to fall, thus automatically deeming me as a bad parent. Or I discipline my child in a way that works for us, and get chastised for not doing it in a better way.
Now, a lot of this might be my own conjecture. But when it feels like the world is constantly judging you, it’s hard to switch your thoughts and think they aren’t doing so. And who doesn't want to be accepted by everyone? I know I feel a whole lot better about myself when I know my actions are approved by everybody. It's especially hard if you catch someone actually saying you're inadequate--probably behind your back. If that happens, then I feel like they must think every. single. thing. I do is wrong, and I'm constantly worried about my every move. It's really hard to shut off.
And with twins...it's twice the failure. You see, there are two of them. So that's two kids the world says you're screwing up at the SAME time. Grrrrreeeeaaaat.
But am I really doing SO bad? NO. In fact, I rock at being a twin mama! And you do TOO. Because, honestly, it doesn’t matter what people think. Who cares? Guess what? They don't know you. They probably don't know anything about you. And if all of those eye-rolling, judgy people took two seconds to get to know you, to ask questions about what was going on with you, what you believe in, what you think, to find out the truth versus their perception, they wouldn't judge you like they do.
Sometimes, I look at people around me, people I don't know, and I think about them in a way that I'd want people to see me. I look at them and think, "I wonder what's going on in their life today. Did they wreck their car? Did they just find out they lost a baby? Did they just have their purse stolen? Did they win a million dollars? Did they just find out someone was going to publish the book they have been writing?" I don't know when I started doing this, but I think it happened when I became a mom. I felt so judged by others, that I tried seeing others in a new light. Don't get me wrong, I still find myself thinking a rude thought here and there (I'm only human), but I definitely try so hard to make sure I'm giving everybody a fair chance.
And isn't that all we can do? Because really, aren’t we just doing the best we can do?
Mama, you're absolutely 100% fit to raise twins. Not only that, but you're the only one who is fit to raise YOUR twins. You were chosen to have them by some higher power whether you believe in God or not. They were sent to you, and you only. You were meant to be their parent. Ideal in your plan or not, if you were scared of having them or ever felt inadequate to have twins, you're wrong. You are a GREAT parent. You're doing JUST fine. All those eye rolls don't mean squat. Don't ever forget that.
As we end the year, I find myself making goals for the new year, to better myself. The goals I'm making are in all areas of my life. I want to become a better runner, I want to update my personal blog and keep it updated, I want to organize my photos better, I want to finish my oldest daughter's baby book, I want to get more sleep, and most importantly, I want to continue improving my mom status. I want to be the best mom I can be.
And I'm sure you all do the same thing--and that's all we can do. We aren't perfect. We can only strive to do better every day. So no, you're not a failure. And all feelings of failure in your life should be turned off RIGHT NOW. That's right. Bundle them all up into one huge ball and throw them in the trash. Did you hear me? Be done with them. Because you. are. AWESOME. You're just absolutely, 100%, the bomb-diggity. Got it? Good. Start the year off right remembering that YOU rock at being a mom.
Have a great 2018!
*The “Two to Kiss, Two to Love” series is a helpful series for all you twin mamas out there! If you have a twin related question, comment below, and I’ll answer it for you!*
Feature Picture PC: Jackie Hall